


An Unseemenly Conversation

by jujubeans



Category: Sherlock (TV), Sherlock Holmes & Related Fandoms
Genre: Fluff, For Science!, Hand Jobs, I Don't Even Know, Jizzy fun, M/M, Microscope avoidance techniques, Semen for science, lots of semen, semen - Freeform
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-04-09
Updated: 2016-04-09
Packaged: 2018-06-01 04:09:01
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,110
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/6500206
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/jujubeans/pseuds/jujubeans
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>It would appear that once ejaculate has left the body it is no longer the property of the owner.  At least, that's Sherlock's opinion.  But does John agree?</p>
            </blockquote>





	An Unseemenly Conversation

**Author's Note:**

> Well I'm not really sure how this happened. I just knew I had to start a fic with the line "John, did you know that semen floats?" Then this happened. Sorry, no rimming, Atlin. Perhaps next time... *bouncing eyebrows*

“John, did you know that semen floats?”

A rustling sound emanated from across the room as John peered over his newspaper to see his dishevelled lover adjusting the focus of his microscope whilst peering into the eyepiece. “Sherlock, even for you, that’s a bit apropos of nothing.”

Grey eyes popped up, and a toussled head swivelled toward John. “It’s true. Well, depending on your diet, that is. Sometimes is sinks if it’s thin and watery.”

“Hmmm…”

“Interestingly, the lifespan of sperm can actually be extended when ejaculated into warm water, such as in baths, spa pools, warm springs etc. You see, the proteins in the semen-“

“Sherlock, is this leading somewhere, love?”

“What do you mean?”

“Are you working up to the point where you ask for some of my spunk to see if it floats, sinks or otherwise?”

Sherlock fidgeted in his chair and turned back to his microscope. “Don’t be stupid, John. If I wanted some of your semen I’d hardly have to ask for it.”

John’s neck extended northward, indignantly. “And just what is that supposed to mean? Are you saying you don’t consider my feelings on the matter important enough to ask permission?”

The contents of Sherlock’s slide seemed to be fascinating. “No, John. It’s just that once you place your bodily fluids into my body I consider them to be my property, and I can therefore do what I like with them,” he calmly murmured into the microscope stage.

John’s jaw dropped.

Without looking up Sherlock said, “If you stay like that for much longer, John, I’ll think you’re broken and may have to trade you in for a less defective model.” He finally looked up and smirked, “Although I can think of some interesting things to pop into that mouth whilst it’s open…”

John’s mouth clicked shut. “Hnn-“

Sherlock adopted an air of distain. “Really, John, I do think you need to lighten up a bit. It’s only a bit of ejaculate.”

“ME lighten up? ME?! Are we in the same reality here?” he huffed, rolling his eyes wildly, throwing his newspaper aside. “OK, OK, I’ll lighten up. Sure, you can have all the spunk you want. And while I’m at it, I might just go down to see if Molly needs any for experimental purposes. Then I’ll go donate some to Mike – perhaps he needs some for some random experiment. What about Lestrade? Perhaps he has some investigation going where he needs-“

“John!” Sherlock’s whisper was scandalised. John’s rant paused. He looked over to see Sherlock’s pale skin even milkier than usual. His expression was a cross between just-sucked-on-a-lemon and did-someone-fart? “You can’t just give anyone your precious-“

“Oh no, I’m not finished yet. I’m on a roll here.” John waved his arms about, gesticulating dramatically. “I could go visit the sperm bank, see if they need any donations. How about I drop back in to Baskerville? I’m sure they’d remember my face down there. I could pop in for a quick wank in case they’re a bit short on supplies for their heinous and illegal doings. What about-“

“ENOUGH!” Sherlock’s face had purpled. John’s eyes widened in surprise. He was concerned he may have gone a bit far, as he’d never seen Sherlock work himself up, well, at all, really. Except in excitement. But in anger? No. 

There was a tense silence, where only the soft sounds of their panting could be heard. They stared at each other as they slowly calmed.

Sherlock swallowed, got up from the table and slowly approached John, hands out in a calming gesture, to kneel at John’s feet. “I’m sorry, John.” John’s eyes widened. “Please don’t give anyone else your semen. I-I…I don’t mean to lessen the importance of your ejaculate by experimenting on it, If anything, it’s the opposite – I only want to use _yours_ because it’s, well… I’m not interested in experimenting on anyone else’s semen, John, only yours,” he finished in a rush. He looked up at his lover uncertainly. “Does that make sense, John? If I can’t use your fluids I just won’t do it. It wouldn’t be interesting enough for me to continue. But you can’t go giving it to anyone else! It’s only mine, John. Oh! And yours, of course,” he hurriedly tacked on.

John’s eyebrows were up in his hairline by now. He’d never heard Sherlock use ‘sorry’ and ‘please’ in one breath, unless he was faking sincerity for manipulative purposes, but right now John could detect nothing but sincerity in Sherlock’s visage.

At John’s silence, Sherlock laid his head in John’s lap and clutched at his hips and whispered, “Please, John. Don’t be upset that I want to float your spunk.”

A beat, then, “There’s a sentence you don’t hear every day,” John muttered blankly. 

The absurdity of the whole conversation suddenly dawned on John and a snort-giggle burst forth from his nose and mouth. He dropped a hand down to pet Sherlock’s hair as the urge to laugh grew until he was shaking with the effort to hold it in. Sherlock peered up at him for a moment, before tentatively smiling. John opened his knees and Sherlock shuffled forward to get closer to his John, who was now openly laughing. All felt right in Sherlock’s world when John was happy. “Come here and give me a kiss, you git”

“Yes, John” Sherlock coyly murmured, as he leaned forward to receive John’s affection.

Before long, kisses turned to hard-core snogging, gentle touches became passionate stroking, clothing became history, and orgasms burst forth all over John’s chest and stomach.

As breathing calmed, two sets of eyes stared down at the white mess of John’s torso. Silence reigned as two mouths pursed thoughtfully. You can guess which mouth’s silence broke first…

Yep. “John…”

“Hmmm…?”

“Would you now consider this semen yours, mine, or perhaps… belonging to the universe? Because I was thinking, if the two proteins were mixed as they are here, I could test to see if-“

“Sherlock.”

Sherlock looked up uncertainly. “Oh. A bit not good?”

John sighed. “No. It’s all fine. Go get your specimen jar.”

“Are you sure, John?”

“Yes. It’s all yours. Float it, sink it, burn it, whatever. Mi semen, su semen”

John chuffed to himself as Sherlock giddily jumped up and ran to his bedroom for a specimen jar. Was there anything he wouldn’t do for this man? It appeared not. He looked up as his gorgeous, pink-cheeked lover returned, jar in hand, about to scrape jizz from his chest, and decided he wouldn’t want his life any other way. 

He looked up at Sherlock with love in his eyes and beamed.


End file.
